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Archive for July, 2007

My misery has enjoyed company
And although I have ached
I don’t threaten anybody
Sometimes I feel more bigness than I’ve shared with you
Sometimes I wonder why I quell when I’m not required to
I’ve tried to be small I’ve tried to be stunted
I’ve tried roadblocks and all
My happy endings prevented
Sometimes I feel it’s all just too big to be true
I sabotage myself for fear of what my bigness could do
Fear of bliss and fear of joyitude
Fear of bigness (and ensuing solitude?)
I could be golden
I could be glowing
I could be freedom
But that could be boring
Sometimes I feel this is too scary to be true
I sabotage myself for fear of losing you

Fear of bliss and fear of joyitude
Fear of bigness (and ensuing solitude?)

This talk of liberation makes me want to go lie down
Under the covers til the terror of the unknown is gone
I could be full
I could be thriving
I could be shining
Sounds isolating
Sometimes I feel this is too good to be true
I sabotage myself for fear of what my joy could do

Fear of bliss and fear of joyitude
Fear of bigness (and ensuing solitude?)

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You’re unsure and you’re not ready so that must mean I want you
You’re unavailable and disinterested and to you I look for comfort
A million times in a million ways I will try to change you
A million months and a million days I’ll try to somehow convince you
I have waited for you and adjusted for you and I’m done
I have deferred to you and enabled you and I’m done
You’re too young or you’re too old or you’re simply not inclined
You’re asleep or you’re withholding be that my cue to crave you
Several times in several ways I’ll try to squeeze love from you
Several hours and several ways I’ll feast on scraps thrown from you
I have bent for you and I’ve deprived for you and I’m done
I have depressed for you and contorted for you and I’m done
I have stifled for you and I’ve compromised for you and I’m done
I have silenced for you and sacrificed for you and I’m done
It. won’t be long before I am reclaimed
It won’t take long and I’ll be on path again
It won’t be easy for us to disengage
I’m at the end of self deprivation stage
You’re afraid of every woman afraid of your inner workings
You cringe at the thought of living under the same roof as me god and everything
A million times and a million ways I’ve tried to alter to match you
Several times every several days I’ve tried to uncrush on you

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For hearing all my doubts so selectively and
For continuing my numbing love endlessly.
For helping you and myself: not even considering
For beating myself up and over functioning.

To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one’s been crueller than I’ve been to me.

For letting you decide if I indeed was desirable
For myself love being so embarrassingly conditional.
And for denying myself to somehow make us compatible
And for trying to fit a rectangle into a ball.

And
To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one’s been crueller than I’ve been to me.

I’m sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else.
I’m sorry to myself.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else.

For blaming myself for your unhappiness
And for my impatience when I was perfect where I was.
Ignoring all the signs that I was not ready,
And expecting myself to be where you wanted me to be.

To whom do I owe the first apology?
No one’s been crueller than I’ve been to me.

And
I’m sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else.
I’m sorry to myself.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else.

Well, I wonder which crime is the biggest ?
Forgetting you or forgetting myself…
Had I heeded the wisdom of the latter,
I would’ve naturally loved the former.

For ignoring you: my highest voices.
For smiling when my strife was all too obvious.
For being so disassociated from my body,
And for not letting go when it would’ve been the kindest thing.

To whom do I owe the biggest apology?
No one’s been crueler than I’ve been to me.

And
I’m sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else
I’m sorry to myself.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else.
I’m sorry to myself.
My apologies begin here before everybody else
I’m sorry to myself.
For treating me worse than I would anybody else

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You and me we’re cut from the same cloth
It seems to some we famously get along
But you and me are strangers to each other
Cuz you and me: competitive to the bone
Such tragedy to trample on each other with how much we’ve endured
With the state this land is in
You and me feel joined only by gender
We are not all for one and one for all
Sister blister we fight to please the brothers
We think their acceptance is how we win
They’re happy we’re climbing over each other
To beg the club of boys to let us in
You and me estranged from the mother
You and me have felt impotent in our skin
You and me have taken it out on each other
You and me disloyal to the feminine
Such a pity to disavow each other with how far we’ve come
With how strong we’ve been
You and me are on this pendulum together
You and me with scarcity still fueling
Sister blister we fight to please the brothers
We think their acceptance is how we win
They’re happy we’re climbing over each other
To beg the club of boys to let us in
We may not have priorities same
We may not even like each other
We may not be hugely anti-men
But such a cost to dishonor a sister
You and me have made it harder for the other
We forget how hard separatism has been
You and me we can help change their minds together
You and me in alignment until the end
Sister blister we fight to please the brothers
We think their acceptance is how we win
They’re happy we’re climbing over each other
To beg the club of boys to let us in

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Who
Who am I to be blue
Look at my family and fortune
Look at my friends and my house
Who
Who am i to feel deadend
Who am i to feel spent
Look at my health and my money
And where
Where do i go to feel good
Why do i still look outside me
When clearly i’ve seen it won’t work
Is it my calling to keep on when i’m unable
And is it my job to be selfless extraodinairre
And my generosity has me disabled
By this my sense of duty to offer
And why
Why do i feel so ungrateful
Me who is far beyond survival
Me who see life as an oyster
Is it my calling to keep on when i’m unable
And is it my job to be selfless extraodinairre
And my generosity has me disabled
By this my sense of duty to offer
And how
How dare i rest on my laurels
How dare i ignore an outstreched hand
How dare i ignore a third world country
Is it my calling to keep on when i’m unable
And is it my job to be selfless extraodinairre
And my generosity has me disabled
By this my sense of duty to offer
Who
Who am i to be woo

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I had disengaged to avoid being totaled
I would run away and say good riddance, soon enough
I had grown disgusted by your small-minded ceiling
Imagine myself bolting had not been difficult
Soon be my life
Soon be my pace
Soon be my choice of which you’ll have no part of
Unprodigial daughter and I’m heading for the west
Disenchanted daughter and this plane cannot fly fast enough
Unencumbered daughter hit the ground running at last
I’d invite you but I’m busy being unoppressed
I hit the ground running, although I know not what toward
I hit the town feeling, forgetting all that came before
I felt primed and ready, once surrounded by the pawns
I felt culture shocked, but dissuaded, I was not
This is my town
This is my voice
This is my taste of which you’ve have no part of
Unprodigial daughter and I’m heading for the west
Disenchanted daughter and this plane cannot fly fast enough
Unencumbered daughter hit the ground running at last
I’d invite you but I’m busy being unoppressed
One day I’ll saddle back and speak of foreign adventures
One day I’ll double back and tell you about these unfettered years
One day I’ll look back and feel something other than relieved
Glad that I left when I did before, I know you, you can’t get the best of me
When I’d speak of artistry you would roll your eyes skyward
When I’d speak of spirituality you would label it absurd
When I spoke of possibility you would frown and shake your head
If I had stayed much longer, I’d have surely imploded
These are my words
This is my house
These are my friends of which you’ve had no part
Unprodigial daughter and I’m heading for the west
Disenchanted daughter and this plane cannot fly fast enough
Unencumbered daughter hit the ground running at last
I’d invite you but I’m busy being unoppressed
Unprodigial daughter and I’m heading for the west
Disenchanted daughter and this plane cannot fly fast enough
Unencumbered daughter hit the ground running at last
I’d invite you but I’m busy being unoppressed

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You’ve been my golden best friend
Now with post-demise at hand
Can’t go to you for consolation
Cause we’re off limits during this transition
This grief overwhelms me
It burns in my stomach
And i can’t stop bumping into things
I thought we’d be simple together
I thought we’d be happy together
Thought we’d be limitless together
I thought we’d be precious together
But i was sadly mistaken
You’ve been my soulmate and mentor
I remembered you the moment i met you
With you i knew god’s face was handsome
With you i suffered an expansion
This loss is numbing me
It pierces my chest
And i can’t stop dropping everything
I thought we’d be sexy together
Thought we’d be evolving together
I thought we’d have children together
I thought we’d be family together
But i was sadly mistaken
If i had a bill for all the philosophies i shared
If i had a penny for all the possibilities i presented
If i had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air
My wealth would render this no less severe
I thought we’d be genius together
I thought we’d be healing together
I thought we’d be growing together
Thought we’d be adventurous togheter
But i was sadly mistaken
Thought we’d be exploring together
Thought we’d be inspired together
I thought we’d be flying together
Thought we’d be on fire together
But i was sadly mistaken

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